Why I didn't Like Twilight.

Before Edward Cullen fans track my IP address and murder me in my sleep let me explain my literary background: I'm an English major, groomed to enjoy ONLY the classics and novels that would confuse most people. I'm not trying to say I'm better than the people who enjoy Twilight, but I'm kind of past the fourth grade reading level this book was written in, also there were some serious plot issues that I could not get past. I will also admit that I could not get past the middle of the book. The story started out as a familiar young adults novel and a flawed female protagonist, Bella Swan. This bitch was just too clumsy. How has this person not killed herself yet? The author spent way too much time focusing on the character's clumsiness and was sort of shoving this "NOBODY IS PERFECT" (accept Edward of course) idea down our throats. I mean how bad do kids feel about themselves now that the main character of a book has to be irresponsibly clumsy in order for people to be able to relate to it? Anywho, Edward is too perfect and if I had to read anything about his perfectly chiseled chest one more time I was going to barf. We get that he's perfect, he's Cedric Diggory for God's sake, I don't need to hear about his nipple protrusion from under his Armani Exchange turtleneck (who the fuck wears turtlenecks in high school?). Bella is essentially a whiner. She complains throughout the entire story about how she doesn't understand why boys like her and why people want to be her friend. I have a problem with people who complain for no reason, especially when they have nothing to complain about. She's admittedly thin, somewhat attractive and everyone wants a piece of Bella. Quit your bitching!

The kicker for me was Edward giving up his dark and dangerous secret that NO ONE else knows about. If you've seen Star Wars Revenge of the Sith, the thing that ruined the movie is that fact that Anakin switched to the dark side entirely too fast. He basically left everything he believed in for something that could possibly ruin him in about 12 seconds. Here's a watered down version of Anakin's flip flop:

Emperor Palpetine: "Hey so, the dark side is pretty cool. You should totally join. We have red light sabers."
Anakin: "Oh cool, sure man"

And that's it. That' all it took. Once Edward found out that Bella liked him he gave it up like a freshman on prom night. What poor Edward doesn't know is that girls are crap at keeping secrets and sucking the blood of wild animals and glittering might be something you don't want this clumsy bitch blabbing to everyone. It was just too abrupt and very unrealistic. Though this story itself is unrealistic, the author is presenting it in a realistic setting; in the present day with everyday teenagers, except some are vampires....and werewolves....

My point is that this story just doesn't do it for me. After reading 20+ pages of Bella and Edward rubbing their faces on each other I just gave up. If I wanted to watch people rub stuff on each other I'd find a Japanese pay sight, because god knows what they're rubbing on what...and vampires maybe present.


PS-I hate my neighbors